Fighting Fair By Mary Rapina

No one’s telling you to rush out and engage in a below-the-belt, no-holds-barred battle with the person you are dating. But getting those mutual feelings of anger out in the open can have a beneficial effect on your health. The stress that is caused by unresolved anger can result in emotional and physical problems.

Couples that hold in those feelings build up a huge emotional pile of unresolved, unacknowledged and un-dealt with feelings that can literally kill them. We can get not only ulcers and migraine headaches, but even cancer.

Anger actually affects people physically in a negative way. When someone gets angry, he or she can experience a rapid heart beat, a rise in adrenaline and an increased breathing rate. None of these are good for the body.

There can be so much anger that it can cause high blood pressure, which is very had for your health.

Keeping one’s emotions pent up can actually cause physical damage over time. When things upset you about the person you are dating and you don’t say anything, it creates a rift over time. But have the fight in an appropriate way. If it turns explosive and toxic, that’s not good either. If managed properly, a fight can actually bring a dating couple closer together.

So, sit down with your boyfriend/girlfriend and resolve not to just simmer in silence.

Couples who are open and honest with each other have an outlet for their emotions. If not, the emotions build up like a volcano and pretty soon they either explode in unhealthy ways or they do damage internally.

How to have a Healthily Fight

You’re angry, so use the word “I,” not “you,”. In other words, say, “I need” and “I feel” rather than “You always” or “You never.”

Express your anger, so it does not turn into resentment, bitterness and revenge, but avoid shouting at each other and using four-letter words.

Don’t feel that you have to solve an anger-producing issue that day. When you try to patch things up before the end of the day, it may not be a sincere patch. There is nothing wrong with waiting until the next day.

If you are feeling really angry, call a short timeout. Take some deep breaths and walk around outside for 10 minutes to release some of the anger.

Finally, remember that all relationships have some conflict in them – and that’s a good thing. If a couple tells me that they don’t fight, I see it as a red flag. When you are in a committed relationship, there is bound to be conflict. Couples need to know that this is a normal part of a relationship.

Whether it’s a friend, a family member, or a coworker, we all know someone who manages to win every argument, even when they’re in the wrong. How do they do it without raising their voice or coming to blows? According to psychologists, it’s simple: These master debaters have perfected the art of persuasion—knowing what to say and how to say it in every situation. Follow these tips to improve your rhetorical skills, make yourself heard, and beat the experts at their own game.

1. Be prepared.
A good lawyer wouldn’t dream of walking into the courtroom without reliable data, credible quotes, and background research. While you don’t need the paperwork of a professional attorney, you shouldn’t enter an argument without preparation either. Organize your ideas beforehand, anticipate your opponent’s arguments, and think of logical rebuttals. Remember, being prepared will make you more confident and convincing.

2. Assess your opponent.
When it comes to debate, it’s important to know who you’re dealing with. So, carefully consider your opponent’s strengths and weaknesses, as well as their goals and concerns. If you understand what your opponent attempts to achieve through the argument, you’ll be more likely to come up with good rebuttals and even solutions that can satisfy both sides.

3. Stay on message.
In the midst of a lively debate, it can be hard to stay focused. But according to experts, it’s a critical part of rhetorical success. In fact, many politicians are famous for their ability to consistently drive home the same key message, no matter what. To follow their lead, write down a series of talking points beforehand, then remind yourself to return to those points again and again.

4. Admit your mistakes.
Although it may be tempting to blame your opponent, you may achieve better results by admitting any ways in which you were wrong. In a recent study published in the Journal of Management, researchers found that people who are wronged in a business transaction were more likely to reconcile if they were offered a sincere apology. By taking responsibility, your opponent will be less defensive, which will enable you to move the conversation in a more productive direction.

5. Build consensus.
Rather than viewing a debate as a combative act, take a tip from the Dale Carnegie classic How to Win Friends and Influence People, and see the encounter as an opportunity to build consensus for your point of view. Along these lines, try to communicate with your opponent in a way that’s pleasant, friendly, and collaborative, rather than hostile. This way, he or she will be more likely to agree with you

The Valentine Day Blues Pastor Lawrence

All that goes into Valentine Day. And ads for the perfect gift for your loved one–it’s enough to make the happiest of us feel the frustration, sadness, and unsatified with your state of being single. You can probably imagine how it feels when you’re going through this tough time of the year.

Now add being single, divorced or unhappy in love and having to answer the yearly question: What are you doing for Valetine Day? Be careful before you answer. This seemingly casual inquiry often hides a trick question, even from caring family and friends, to pry into your love life–or lack of it.

Don’t despair. Yes, not having a good partner during the Valentine season can intensify feeling alone in a crowd. The solution is to take charge of your unhappiness and use your discomfort with this time of year to motivate you to make changes. Here’s a quick list of the most common “blue in love during the Valentine Day” issues and a Do and Don’t List.

Issue 1: “There’s something wrong me because I don’t have a partner-or anyone I want to bring to family and friend gatherings.”

Do

List your positive qualities and review them.

Tell your family and friends ahead of time not to ask you about your dating life or situation.

Don’t

Don’t measure your whole self by a few things such as being single.

Don’t compare yourself to siblings, cousins and friends who have partners. After all, you don’t really know what’s going on with them. In II Corinthians 10:12 the Bible says, “they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.” I want to encourage you to rember that you don’t see the big picture, but our Saviour does and he will do what is best for us. So don’t ask God why others are married and you are not. He knows and he is doing what is best for you.

Issue 2: “I don’t have the time to date-or deal with breaking up. I’m not ready and it’s too hard to date anyway.”

Do

Forgive yourself.

Volunteer–it’s a great depression-buster. If your depression doesn’t subside, contact your Minister.

Think long and hard about what things to say yes or no to in your current relationship.

Get out there. Make your goal to meet new and different people. Tell everyone you’re interested in meeting someone. Join other dating sites, go to events and introduce yourself to anyone who seems interesting. Don’t leave until you do. Start or join a singles or divorce group. Throw a single/divorce party and have everyone bring a friend. Even in your everyday travels at the dry cleaner or supermarket, if you see someone you’d like to meet, say hello. Blame it on a friend’s bet that you wouldn’t do it. But be proactive this Valentine Day season.

Don’t

Don’t fall for the belief that “if it’s meant to be, it will just happen.”

Don’t do more of the same failed efforts. For example, if hiding out or limiting your ways of meeting someone hasn’t worked in the past, it’s not going to work in the future.

Issue 3: “It’s too late for me to change–and I really don’t know how.”

Do

Review your past to learn about your dating patterns, fears, life phase or events that contribute to avoiding love or falling in love when you did and why you picked a certain kind of person.

If your love life still seems like a mystery to you, seek help from your Pastor or a trusted counselor. Get brave enough to learn about yourself. Life is short.

Don’t

Ignore or minimize unacceptable behavior in yourself or the person you are dating .

Don’t give up or beat yourself up emotionally by hiding out, working long hours or drinking or eating too much.

Don’t be afraid of emotional pain or anxiety. No major changes in life happen without fear.

Valentine Day is a wonderful time, but it can be a sad time. Do this during the Valentine season and it will be more enjoyable and rewarding.

MY FAMILY TREE By Victoria Lynn Siebenhaar

　
      I was asked to speak at a Singles Conference about the Cure for Loneliness and Depression. As I prepared my lesson, I began to wonder why loneliness and depression had never taken residence in my heart. I remembered distinctly the last time I had felt depressed about being older and still single. I had been looking at a diagram of our family tree when my heart filled with incredible emotion as I compared my brothers’ branches to mine. Their branches flourished with the names of their children and grandchildren. My branch stopped with my name. Immediately Sadness, Depression, and Loneliness began to knock at my door. Although I did let those unwelcomed emotions visit for just a few moments, they outstayed their welcome and I chose to never let them take residence in my heart.
 
To symbolize the decision of not letting the root of depression or sadness spring up in me, I went outside and dug up a 5-foot tree. I chose carefully a tree that had plenty of branches and twigs sprouting off. I then took the time to cut paper leaves from construction paper. On each leaf, I wrote the name of someone I had helped encourage that week. Each name was represented by a note I had written,

a call I had made, cookies I had baked, treats I had delivered, or countless other ways I had taken the time to encourage someone’s day. As each name was written, I taped it to a branch or twig of my 5- foot tree. Within just a matter of a few minutes my tree was filled with leaves representing my extended family – those whom I love. I soon realized why Loneliness cannot abide in my heart. I am too busy! Depression cannot linger because I am too busy commending love to those represented on my own “family tree.”
 
In the past 20 years, I can recall only a few moments of time where loneliness or depression again knocked at my door. Those emotions usually stay away, because they know they are not welcomed in my heart. I challenge every reader to kick out those unwelcomed tenants and replace them with acts of service for others. Serving others is the key to combating loneliness, discouragement, sadness, and depression. So, the next time you can hear Loneliness knocking at your door, write a note of encouragement to an elderly shut-in. When you see Sadness coming up your driveway, stop him at the gate by calling a loved one who is going through a tough time. When Depression tries to sneak in your back door, bake a batch of cookies for your next-door neighbor or offer to rake their leaves. When Sadness attempts to enter by breaking down the door of your heart, immediately stop him dead in his tracks by taking the time to write a note of thanksgiving to your parents, pastor, boss, or co-workers. Combat the destructive seeds of loneliness and depression by living for others. Then, you too, will get to see your “family tree” in full bloom.
　
” And if thou draw out thy soul to the hungry, and satisfy the afflicted soul;
then
shall thy light rise in obscurity, and thy darkness be as the noon day:”
                                                            Isaiah 58:10

30-Something & Still Single By Pastor Jack Schaap

      There are many wonderful Christians  whom I know who I believe would make very good spouses and who desire very much to marry and build a family.  For reasons which often only God knows, they remain single and confused.  May I offer some gentle advice?

1.   Be sure jealousy and envy toward your married or engaged friends does not find a lodging place in your heart.  These are spiritual cancers that reveal themselves in subtle ways often noticed by spiritual men.

2.  Find a godly counselor who is willing to involve himself or herself in your search for the right man.  You may need to make some changes, and you will need to trust the sometimes not-so-subtle advice of a wise person.

3.  Realize that as you get older, your tastes become more defined, and you may find very few singles “acceptable.”  This is frustrating to a coulnselor.  Often, I arrange dates only to find an obstinate, highly critical analysis from some older single person who ought to use wisdom and not selfishness in this critique.  Date those people your counselor advises you to date and, by all means, reserve your judgement until after five or six dates with that person.  You need to borrow a little of the naive infatuation of 18 year olds.  Many adult singles have become so independent and self-sufficient that dating someone less than perfect appears to be a burden and intrusion into their secure lifestyle.  That’s the kind of selfish thinking that will keep you single or tempted to chase mature married men who appear to have it all together.

4.  Look for a man with solid character but who is unpolished.  A stable man with grimy fingernails and frayed clothing, but who possesses a balanced checkbook and a steady job might shine up with the right woman  polishing him.  Again, don’t look for a completed man.  Look for the good man who needs a woman’s touch.

5.  If you are well into your adult singleness, I recommend that you choose the single life.  Do not waste your years of health and strength with anger and resentment.  Choose the life you’ve been handed and use it.  Invest your life in others and, if it is God’s will, He is more than able to bring across your path a man who needs the talents and skills you have developed.  

 This is a chapter from Dr. Schaap great book “Dating with a Purpose”.  If you like to order this book call 219-932-0711 and ask for Hyles Publications to order a copy.

Interracial Dating By Pastor Lawrence

Is it right?

This is only one aspect to a larger question.  And that question is, “What is some major differences that could hurt our marriage later.”    And the answer is the more you have in common the better any relationship is.  And this is so true in interracial marriages.  We see that in Numbers 12 Moses marries an Ethiopian women.  Which means that Moses married a black lady.   His brother Aaron who is the high priest, and his older sister is mad at his decision.  Mose earlier talked about not marring someone of a another race.  But the only one that was punished was not Moses, but his sister Miriam.  In our society today interracial dating is becoming more and more accepted.  But is it biblically right to date and marry someone of another race?  One thing is for certain that you are a hypocrite if you allow in your mind interracial dating for some races, but not others.  An example is a white person marrying a Asian person is fine, but it is not right for a white person to marry a black.  We need to have  a standard that can apply to ever situation.  

     The Bible is made up of three different standards.  The first is commandments from the Bible.  This is what we know to be true.  That is the black and white things in life.  Second is a principal.  This is usually true, but it is not always true.  The last is an a opinion, and that standard is no more important than anyone else’s opinion.  And interracial dating is a principal. 

     There is no commandment from the Bible saying that  only spanish people should marry a spanish person, nor did God do this for any other race. If you decide to date or marry someone of another race please keep these few thoughts in mind.  In America most is for interracial dating, but studies have shown that the percentage of people actually dating someone of another race has not greatly increased.  But most Americans today are not so offended to see a Spanish person marrying a black as it would be if a white person married a black person.  There is a sense of security that we find the more someone is like us.  If that be in dress, color, religious beliefs, body size,  economic standing and ect.  And as I said earilier the more you have in common the better the marriage will be.  Please keep in mind that someone with a different racial back ground quite possiable have different  beliefs from yours in the way you rearing children, religous standards, and the perception of what the home should be.   Instead of  marrying someone with the same back ground.  There are also many places in the country where people are still against  interracial dating and the negative attitude by these people can put a real strain on a marriage.  My personal belief on interracial dating is to follow the Golden Rule Standard.  It says, “Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you.”  I personally would not want to be a child of a mixed race and I should not put my children through it either.  Many children are teased by other children, or they don’t look like one of their parents.  Because of their parents marriage.  If you saw my Dad you would know that I am my Dad’s son, and you are polluting your own family heritage by dating someone of another race.  We have a christian heritage to pass down, but also we have a family heritage.  And America has become such a melting pot that we have forgot who we are and were we have come from.  We are only on  link in a chain.  It does not begin nor end with us.  We are suppose to pass down our family heritage,  just as your parents passed it down to you.   If you are a black person you should be proud that you are a black person, and want to pass down your family heritage to your children.  And it is the same with any other race.   And I want my children someday to look like me.  Not because I am so vain, but it is our family heritage, and I am proud to be from the family I grew up in.  And so should you desire to pass down the same heritage down to your own.  And it is selfishness on your own part  toward your children to date someone of another race  But is it a Biblical commandment?  No, it is just pricipal from the Bible.  As I study the Bible, our Saviour has preferences.  I personally would rather see a spanish gentleman marry a god fear christian that was black or white, instead of marrying another spanish lady just because she is spanish.    The LORD never mentioned it to Moses, when  Aaron or Miriam were chiding him for marrying the Ethiopian woman.  Therefore after studying the Bible I believe that it is a preference of God not to marry someone of another race, but it is not a commandment.   God is not against marrying someone of  another race.  And if you marry someone of another race, then it becomes Gods will and you are never to divorce.  Just a thought.