Fighting Fair By Mary Rapina

No one’s telling you to rush out and engage in a below-the-belt, no-holds-barred battle with the person you are dating. But getting those mutual feelings of anger out in the open can have a beneficial effect on your health. The stress that is caused by unresolved anger can result in emotional and physical problems.

Couples that hold in those feelings build up a huge emotional pile of unresolved, unacknowledged and un-dealt with feelings that can literally kill them. We can get not only ulcers and migraine headaches, but even cancer.

Anger actually affects people physically in a negative way. When someone gets angry, he or she can experience a rapid heart beat, a rise in adrenaline and an increased breathing rate. None of these are good for the body.

There can be so much anger that it can cause high blood pressure, which is very had for your health.

Keeping one’s emotions pent up can actually cause physical damage over time. When things upset you about the person you are dating and you don’t say anything, it creates a rift over time. But have the fight in an appropriate way. If it turns explosive and toxic, that’s not good either. If managed properly, a fight can actually bring a dating couple closer together.

So, sit down with your boyfriend/girlfriend and resolve not to just simmer in silence.

Couples who are open and honest with each other have an outlet for their emotions. If not, the emotions build up like a volcano and pretty soon they either explode in unhealthy ways or they do damage internally.

How to have a Healthily Fight

You’re angry, so use the word “I,” not “you,”. In other words, say, “I need” and “I feel” rather than “You always” or “You never.”

Express your anger, so it does not turn into resentment, bitterness and revenge, but avoid shouting at each other and using four-letter words.

Don’t feel that you have to solve an anger-producing issue that day. When you try to patch things up before the end of the day, it may not be a sincere patch. There is nothing wrong with waiting until the next day.

If you are feeling really angry, call a short timeout. Take some deep breaths and walk around outside for 10 minutes to release some of the anger.

Finally, remember that all relationships have some conflict in them – and that’s a good thing. If a couple tells me that they don’t fight, I see it as a red flag. When you are in a committed relationship, there is bound to be conflict. Couples need to know that this is a normal part of a relationship.

Whether it’s a friend, a family member, or a coworker, we all know someone who manages to win every argument, even when they’re in the wrong. How do they do it without raising their voice or coming to blows? According to psychologists, it’s simple: These master debaters have perfected the art of persuasion—knowing what to say and how to say it in every situation. Follow these tips to improve your rhetorical skills, make yourself heard, and beat the experts at their own game.

1. Be prepared.
A good lawyer wouldn’t dream of walking into the courtroom without reliable data, credible quotes, and background research. While you don’t need the paperwork of a professional attorney, you shouldn’t enter an argument without preparation either. Organize your ideas beforehand, anticipate your opponent’s arguments, and think of logical rebuttals. Remember, being prepared will make you more confident and convincing.

2. Assess your opponent.
When it comes to debate, it’s important to know who you’re dealing with. So, carefully consider your opponent’s strengths and weaknesses, as well as their goals and concerns. If you understand what your opponent attempts to achieve through the argument, you’ll be more likely to come up with good rebuttals and even solutions that can satisfy both sides.

3. Stay on message.
In the midst of a lively debate, it can be hard to stay focused. But according to experts, it’s a critical part of rhetorical success. In fact, many politicians are famous for their ability to consistently drive home the same key message, no matter what. To follow their lead, write down a series of talking points beforehand, then remind yourself to return to those points again and again.

4. Admit your mistakes.
Although it may be tempting to blame your opponent, you may achieve better results by admitting any ways in which you were wrong. In a recent study published in the Journal of Management, researchers found that people who are wronged in a business transaction were more likely to reconcile if they were offered a sincere apology. By taking responsibility, your opponent will be less defensive, which will enable you to move the conversation in a more productive direction.

5. Build consensus.
Rather than viewing a debate as a combative act, take a tip from the Dale Carnegie classic How to Win Friends and Influence People, and see the encounter as an opportunity to build consensus for your point of view. Along these lines, try to communicate with your opponent in a way that’s pleasant, friendly, and collaborative, rather than hostile. This way, he or she will be more likely to agree with you