The Valentine Day Blues Pastor Lawrence

All that goes into Valentine Day. And ads for the perfect gift for your loved one–it’s enough to make the happiest of us feel the frustration, sadness, and unsatified with your state of being single. You can probably imagine how it feels when you’re going through this tough time of the year.

Now add being single, divorced or unhappy in love and having to answer the yearly question: What are you doing for Valetine Day? Be careful before you answer. This seemingly casual inquiry often hides a trick question, even from caring family and friends, to pry into your love life–or lack of it.

Don’t despair. Yes, not having a good partner during the Valentine season can intensify feeling alone in a crowd. The solution is to take charge of your unhappiness and use your discomfort with this time of year to motivate you to make changes. Here’s a quick list of the most common “blue in love during the Valentine Day” issues and a Do and Don’t List.

Issue 1: “There’s something wrong me because I don’t have a partner-or anyone I want to bring to family and friend gatherings.”

Do

List your positive qualities and review them.

Tell your family and friends ahead of time not to ask you about your dating life or situation.

Don’t

Don’t measure your whole self by a few things such as being single.

Don’t compare yourself to siblings, cousins and friends who have partners. After all, you don’t really know what’s going on with them. In II Corinthians 10:12 the Bible says, “they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.” I want to encourage you to rember that you don’t see the big picture, but our Saviour does and he will do what is best for us. So don’t ask God why others are married and you are not. He knows and he is doing what is best for you.

Issue 2: “I don’t have the time to date-or deal with breaking up. I’m not ready and it’s too hard to date anyway.”

Do

Forgive yourself.

Volunteer–it’s a great depression-buster. If your depression doesn’t subside, contact your Minister.

Think long and hard about what things to say yes or no to in your current relationship.

Get out there. Make your goal to meet new and different people. Tell everyone you’re interested in meeting someone. Join other dating sites, go to events and introduce yourself to anyone who seems interesting. Don’t leave until you do. Start or join a singles or divorce group. Throw a single/divorce party and have everyone bring a friend. Even in your everyday travels at the dry cleaner or supermarket, if you see someone you’d like to meet, say hello. Blame it on a friend’s bet that you wouldn’t do it. But be proactive this Valentine Day season.

Don’t

Don’t fall for the belief that “if it’s meant to be, it will just happen.”

Don’t do more of the same failed efforts. For example, if hiding out or limiting your ways of meeting someone hasn’t worked in the past, it’s not going to work in the future.

Issue 3: “It’s too late for me to change–and I really don’t know how.”

Do

Review your past to learn about your dating patterns, fears, life phase or events that contribute to avoiding love or falling in love when you did and why you picked a certain kind of person.

If your love life still seems like a mystery to you, seek help from your Pastor or a trusted counselor. Get brave enough to learn about yourself. Life is short.

Don’t

Ignore or minimize unacceptable behavior in yourself or the person you are dating .

Don’t give up or beat yourself up emotionally by hiding out, working long hours or drinking or eating too much.

Don’t be afraid of emotional pain or anxiety. No major changes in life happen without fear.

Valentine Day is a wonderful time, but it can be a sad time. Do this during the Valentine season and it will be more enjoyable and rewarding.

Who’s First In Your Life? By Mr Neil Fruit

Don’t “put the cart before the horse?”
God has both a general will for each of us and a specific will for each of us. The specific will is often not made clear to us until it is time for us to fulfill that will. The general will of God is readily available to us all of the time and at any time. Specifically, with regard to your dating and marriage, God will not likely come to you in a dream or vision and give you the name, address, and telephone number of the person you are to date and marry. If He did so this Web site would be completely without purpose. He does, however, have some general principles it is wise to follow.
Too often we get things completely backward. God is a God of design, a God of structure, and a God of order. God has a plan and a purpose for everyone and for everything. There are no accidents with God. Part of God’s plan and purpose is that we conform to His plan and His purpose. To do so we must first find God’s plan and God’s purpose or we are completely without hope of conforming to it. The problem is that it is far more convenient and far more palatable to us to devise our own plan and to then seek God’s permission and God’s approval for us to proceed according to our plan.
The children of Israel desired and appreciated the presence of God as they undertook their journey in the wilderness. God manifested Himself in the pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night, but there was no one location where God met and dwelt with man, and it was the desire of God’s heart to have such a place. God put it in the heart of Moses to construct a place where God could and would dwell in the presence of man, but God did not leave it up to Moses to design and build such a place. God gave specific instructions to Moses. God designed and created the “blueprints” if you will of the place where He would meet with man. Moses’ job was to go to God and get the pattern and to then go to men (like Bezaleel) and construct the tabernacle according to the pattern God had given.
Life is made up of relationships. Life is not places. Life is not things. Life is not accomplishments. Life is people and relationships with those people. It was a relationship God was seeking with Moses and with Israel and God knew that if it was to be all that it could be and all that it should be, it would have to be according to a pattern: according to THE pattern.
Far too many of us have an idea of the perfect relationship. We have created in our mind what we would consider to be the perfect mate, the perfect life, and the perfect future, but this is our pattern and not His. Most of our families and most of our churches today are dysfunctional for the same reason: we have take a human “pattern” a human model as our pattern and model for not only our human relationships, but for our relationship with God as well. We learn first how to have a relationship according to the pattern of men rather than God. We then carry that dysfunctional pattern to our relationship with God. We have placed the cart before the horse.
This is not the “pattern” God would have us follow. God would have us first learn how to have a relationship by developing a good one with Him. The only way that is possible is by establishing the relationship according to His pattern for relationships. We love Him because He first loved us. We must first learn from Him how to love. We must then learn to love Him as He has loved us – sacrificially, and unconditionally. When we have thus learned how to love Him we will have the proper pattern for loving another person. Only then can we love according to the pattern of God and only then can we apply that pattern to our relationships with people in general and especially to the person with whom we would spend our life.
The best thing that you can do now is to learn to love God and to do so according to His pattern. Learn how to have a solid and wonderful relationship with God and show Him you value that relationship. Learn to love Him sacrificially and unconditionally. When you have convinced God that you understand what it is to have a good relationship with Him and that you know how to develop and maintain such a relationship (by following His pattern) God will more likely give you a human relationship to complete you. God is a jealous God, but He is not jealous in the sense that He would keep you from a wonderful human relationship. He proved this when He said that it was not good for Adam to be alone and then created the first woman. God honored the fact that Adam had loved God and learned to have a real, personal, and intimate relationship with Him. In the end, should God not choose to give you that perfect mate, should you find that God is all that you have, you will not be disappointed because you will know that God is all you need.

Being Single By Mrs Jane Grafton

I was about to turn 30 years of age. The prospect of getting married seemed to be a distant dream that would never be realized, and I was depressed at the thought of never marrying.

Some of my single friends in their late twenties had gone to our pastor, Dr. Jack Hyles, had shared with him that they wanted to get married, and he helped set them up with dates. I thought that was great and so I decided that I would visit my pastor also. I just knew that he would help me find a husband also.

Was I ever disappointed! When I shared my dream of wanting to date and marry, my pastor’s response shocked me. He said, “Jane, if I were you I would decide that I will probably never marry.” I was crushed. The only two words I really heard were , “NEVER MARRY!” Could he have really said what I thought he said? He then stated, “If you marry someday, fine, but if you never marry, you will learn to be content as a single lady.”

I left his office devastated that night. I just couldn’t believe it. NEVER MARRY! Those words went over and over in my mind. For several weeks I was more depressed that when I went into his office. However, in my early twenties I made a decision to go to my God-given leaders for advice when I needed it, and then to do what they suggested, even if I did not like what they told me.

I began praying about the words my pastor had said. I told God I wanted to marry, but since Pastor Hyles had suggested I learn to be content as a single person I wanted God’s help in doing so. It was a process, but God worked in my life and as I rearranged my thinking and became content as a single lady I really came to a point where I realized I was a happy person as a single lady. I realized that if I never married I could be happy and content. That was a wonderful turning point for me, and a wonderful place to be in life.

About a year later God brought a wonderful man of integrity and character into my life. It was not love at first sight; I was careful to not give my heart to this man I was dating until I was convinced that he was the man God wanted me to marry. People made statements such as, “You’d better hold on to this one; it might be your last chance.” I believe if I had not had that sage advice from my preacher I might have listened to such foolish advice. Rather, I knew I was happy as a single lady, and I did not want to marry someone just to get married. I wanted to be sure I loved this man for who he was and that I could be happier and more fruitful as a Christian married to him that I was as a contented, happy single lady.

My pastor gave me the best advice possible that day to answer my question to him. You see, I kept thinking that if I got married I would really be happy. However, marriage does not make one happy if the person is depending on that marriage to make her happy. Learning to be content as a single lady helped me to learn to be content as a married lady.

And so, today, I give you the same advice as my pastor gave to me. Learn to be content as a single lady. I have now been happily married for over 27 years, but I believe the key to the happiness I have experienced in my marriage is that I did not married to become happy. I had learned to be happy and content in my circumstances as a single lady.

God’s Greatest Desire By Pastor Redlin

Still Busy Waiting By Mrs Santos

Ladies!  Let’s talk  about something we all desire:  LOVE!

I remember as a 26-year old single lady the times when my lonely heart ached so badly, I thought I would die.  I recall feeling an emptiness in my heart that I was sure nothing in this world could fill except for the right man.  I think of how I cried and prayed to God, telling Him of my desire and need for someone to love me just because they wanted to and not because they had to (i.e. family).  There were many things in my life that were totally wonderful, but because I didn’t have that “special” man, I felt life was incomplete.

During these years of being single, I had many people come along with all kinds of well-meant questions and advice.  Family members and friends would ask me questions like ”When are you going to get married?”  Or “Do you have a boyfriend YET?”  or “What’s wrong with you—don’t you want a boyfriend?”  “Don’t you like boys?”
Often, following these mostly well-meant, but hurtful questions, was unsought advice like “Just ask a guy out yourself!” and “Flirt with them!” “Make yourself more available.”  “Fix yourself up more.”  “Talk more/less.”  “Be more friendly.”  “Act shy.”  “Don’t be too picky!”

Well, after walking the path of singleness for awhile, God led me to the right man.  Please allow me to offer some humble advice to those of you who are walking on the single path.  Whether you are just entering your 20’s or you are trying hard to hold on to your 20’s, I believe this can be helpful to all.

1. Be Still.  Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God.”  God wants us to get to know Him.  Try having time where you are totally still—no noise/music/sounds of any kind—just quiet.  We can really hear and get to know God much better in these still/silent moments.  He spoke to Elijah in a still, small voice.  How can we hear Him if are constantly trying to down out everything internal with all things external.  I was trying to fill my emptiness with a wonderful relationship with a special man, but what I needed was a special relationship with a wonderful God!

2. Stay Busy for God.  Proverbs 16:3 “Commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established.”  We need times to be still, but we also need to spend our extra time serving the Lord.  I believe that when we are busy doing something for God, He will bring the right man along.  What better place to find a man than in the path of God?!  “I being in the way, the Lord led me.”  (Gen. 24:27) Besides, you know the old saying, “A watched pot never boils!”  Staying busy for God also helps keep your thoughts right and your heart from wondering down the wrong path.

3. Wait.  Psalm 27:14  “Wait on the Lord, be of good courage and He shall strengthen thine heart:  wait, I say, on the Lord.”  Notice God tells us to “be of good courage.”  Ladies, let me tell you…it takes courage to wait on the Lord!  It seems easier to just take things into our own hands and just jump at the first guy that comes along.  I have seen more than one lady regret not waiting.  It is heartbreaking too see ladies (and men) enduring (or exiting) marriage rather than enjoying marriage all because they were simply too anxious to wait on the Lord.  God says He will strengthen our hearts, but He cannot strengthen something that is not yielded to Him.

4. Be appropriate—in your actions and attire.  We ought always strive to put forth our best and look our best.  We should do this because God tells us to “…do all to the glory of God” (I Cor. 10:31)  not so we can win a man.  Just remember, if you must act inappropriately or dress inappropriately to catch his eye and attention, some other woman will likely come along and get his attention by “flaunting her wares” with her inappropriate actions and attire.  If YOU can win him, YOU can lose him.  If you will allow the Lord to bring you together, you will have a much stronger and sweeter relationship because it is based on GOD and not man!

5. Seek Godly counsel.  What exactly is inappropriately action/attire?  As a single lady, I did not realize how men SEE things.  Many women—even married women—have absolutely NO IDEA of how men think.  Please, seek Godly counsel from your Pastor and his wife or some other Godly married couple.  Let them help you.  You won’t regret it.

Lastly (although this is truly primary), please allow me to encourage you to love God with all your heart, soul and mind.  After all, He is the one Who loves you more than life itself.

Who Are You? Pastor Lawrence

Matthew 19:12  “For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake.”  This is part two in a series of articles discussing the common reasons why singles are single.

     Who are you?  It seems like an easy question.  But you would be amazed how many singles date people who are not like them. When I was in college I learned about myself.   Who I was.  I learned that there is things that push my buttons, how much I am like my parents, how much I really don’t know, and many other things.   And I want you to always remember this principal.  You attract what you are in dating and not what you want.  We all have heard of the story of a good girl marrying a creep of a guy, because she thought she could change him and she just had to get married.    The Bible is so true when it says in Amos 3:3 “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?”  And the truth is that all our friends and our future spouse had to have a connection of agreement or we would not be with them. 

      In dating you need to look for someone with a background as close to yours as you can.  Because the more you have in common the more likely it is that the relationship will workout and marriage will happen.  I am going to give you a list of things you need to look for in a future spouse.  And if the person you are dating is lacking in one of these areas, then that is fine if you can live with that area that they are lacking in.  And only you can determine if you can live with there differences or not.  But in the end you must accept there difference and accept who they are.

1.  Spirituality-  In II Corinthians 6:14 it says, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness?  and what communion hath light with darkness.”  My heart breaks when I hear of some person that is dating an unsaved person.  And that single thinks that they are going to change that person and get them saved.  But rarely does it.  God never intended dating to be a soul winning activity to get your future spouse.  It can also be hard if they are of different faiths.  Now it could work, but more committed both parties are to their faiths the harder it will be on there  marriage.   The last is someone that is of the same faith, but one of them is worldly and is a believer in name only.  I just want to warn you that you may be satisfied with your spiritual luke warm dating partner for now, but in the future you will want a spouse that lives the same christian level of faith that you believe in and especially when you have children.   

2.  How clean are they?  This may or may not be an issue to you, but it can be one.  It is sad to hear women talk about having another child in the house, because they have to pick up after their husband.  If you are the clean type you should check out how they take care of the things they have.  A good example would be how clean is their car.  If they don’t mind people seeing there dirty car, then they problable keep the unseen things dirty also.  Like a room or a house.  Other examples are if they bath regularly and do they iron there clothes.  If you are clean or not you will be much happier with someone who is like you. 

3.  Race-  This does not have to be a problem, but you need to understand all that you are getting into.  For further information read the article on interracial dating.

4.   How were they raised.  Some things to rember in dating is finicial and educational background.   How we are raised affect so much on how we percieve things.  If you are good with money and they are not, then you will need to keep in the back of your mind that you are going to have to manage the money in the home someday if this relationship works out.  If the person you are dating grew up in a rich home, then they will probable will expect a higher standard of living, then you if you grew up in a poor home.  Or if a girl had a rich dad that spoiled her then you have to understand that she will want the same standard of living when you are married.

      Even though opposites attract, they also repel when they are together.  You need to find someone who is like you and this is only a sample of things you need to look for in dating.  None of these differences in and of themselves will break a relationship, but the more you have in common the better the chance that it is going to work out.