Distant Relationships By Pastor Wain
Most of us are in awe – or disbelief – when we hear that a couple has been married for 50 years or longer. These days few marriages, let alone relationships, last that long. For instance, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, 76 percent of men who married in 1955 to 1959 stayed married for at least 20 years, while only 58 percent of men who married in 1975 to 1979 stayed married as long. Marital longevity also declined for shorter anniversaries or couples that stayed together five, 10 or 15 years.
But even if your relationship or marriage lasts for 10 years or more, it doesn’t mean it’s overflowing with romance. So what’s the secret to keeping romance alive in long-term relationships? Perhaps a clue lies in how you define romance, as revealed in a study published in the Review of General Psychology.
“Many believe that romantic love is the same as passionate love,” said lead researcher Bianca P. Acevedo, Ph.D. “It isn’t. Romantic love has the intensity, engagement and sexual chemistry that passionate love has, minus the obsessive component. Passionate or obsessive love includes feelings of uncertainty and anxiety. This kind of love helps drive the shorter relationships, but not the longer ones.”
Here are other ways to keep romance alive in your relationship:
• Hold on to what you fell in love with in the first place. According to Dr. Brenda Shoshanna, a psychologist and relationship counsellor, it’s common for people to begin to focus on negative traits as a relationship progresses. Instead of dwelling on faults, Dr. Shoshanna recommends holding on to how you felt about each other when you first met and when you saw only the best in each other.
• Be ready for the special moments in a relationship and take time to create them. In a study of the 10 cities where romance is booming conducted by Sperling’s BestPlaces, baby boomers (between ages 45 to 60) didn’t wait for special occasions to shower each other with romantic items flowers and candy. “This study suggests that it is often the little things that they do that mean the most when it comes to expression of romance,” said researcher Bert Sperling.
• Fulfill each other’s needs. Dr. John Gray – renowned for his relationship books, including Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus - points out that men often underestimate how important romance is for women, and women don’t quite get the high priority men place on . Taking care of each other’s needs strengthens that feeling that a partner is there for you Acevedo talks about.
• Have a date night. In the BestPlaces study, date night helped Dallas baby boomers to keep romance simmering. It’s especially important after you have children. But it’s also critical in an age where 10-hour work days, business trips, greater parental involvement in school, and technology diversions (such as online trading or 200 TV channels) are par for the course. It’s easy for your partner to feel they’re being ignored or taken for granted. Date night is a time to focus on just the two of you, and creates an automatic opportunity to rekindle romance if it’s beginning to fizzle.
• Be open to fun and happiness. Fun is a crucial part of bonding and of romance, states Dr. Shoshanna. But you also have to be willing to be happy, and to let go of grievances and self importance. “The very heart of romance is enjoying each other, feeling hopeful and alive.”
Singles to Singles | July 7, 2009
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